Dreams and Flashbacks
by ermintrude421
Summary: An AU continuation of A Boy's Best Friend is His Mother, set late 3rd season. Lee has dreams and flashbacks, and finally comes to a decision. Rated T for sexual situations.
1. Chapter 1

Dreams and Flashbacks

a continuation of A Boy's Best Friend is His Mother

By Ermintrude

*DISCLAIMER** Scarecrow & Mrs. King is copyrighted to Warner Brothers and Shoot The Moon Production Company. The original portions of this story, however, are copyrighted to the author. This story is for entertainment purposes only and cannot be redistributed without the permission of the author. It is a labor of love. If you want to put it on your site, please email me, I would like to thank you for the high compliment. No infringement of copyright is intended.

A Boy's Best Friend is His Mother was supposed to be a one-off—a short story with a few cute twists, evoking several emotions—meant as a short entertainment and little more. Then the Wicky ladies got ahold of it—and they forced me to look at it again—and thus this work resulted. Yet another deep foray into Lee Stetson's head. And what a twisted and convoluted place it is.

AN—A Boy's Best Friend was set between Over the Limit and Utopia Now. This continuation is AU and even though it starts immediately after A Boy's Best Friend, it takes place late 3rd season, so I can draw on everything there—except All the World's a Stage. AU means I get to bend the laws of time and space, so there. Live with it—or don't read it. Your choice.

Thanks go to Sue, Rita and Charlie—and as always Jennifer who helps keep me on the right track. And the rest of the Gutter Girls… You guys rock!

Chapter 1

Amanda arrived at home after her day and night in the terrorist hideout. She had planned on being home the previous morning, but she and Lee had been kidnapped from an overnight stakeout and brought to a remote rural house. The terrorists had tied them up, and injected Lee with a truth serum—then accidentally blown themselves and the van they came in to kingdom come.

Amanda had gotten herself free—and Lee had a bad reaction to the drug—he'd been delirious with fever and Amanda had to take care of him. They stayed that night to make sure Lee was out of the woods, and then had returned to DC. Now it was afternoon, and Amanda had been debriefed and was back at home.

"Hello mother, I'm home!" Amanda called cheerily as she came through the back door.

Dotty was sitting at the kitchen island with a cup of coffee and a sandwich, reading the paper. She looked at her daughter warily. "Amanda—I understand you have to work. And the boys and I really appreciate your dedication to your job. But why is it so all-fired important to document the mating habits of the Eastern White-tailed Deer? And why can't you plan this sort of thing beforehand? I've been without a car for a day and a half. It wasn't easy with the boys. Doesn't that film company you work for ever plan for this sort of thing ahead of time? Don't they understand you have a family and obligations to keep? You missed the PTA meeting last night. Madge Blake dropped off some folder for you—I hope they didn't stick you with the refreshment booth at the science fair again."

Amanda hung her head and prepared for some world-class lying to her mother. 'It would be a whole lot easier if I could just tell her the truth—we were kidnapped and tied up and we didn't manage to get out of there until this morning… On second thought—I guess lying about it is easier after all.' She took a deep breath. "Well mother—originally I was scheduled for another assignment altogether—but then the crew assigned to film the deer got sick and so we all had to scramble to make up for the missing people—so I ended up being assigned to go out into the foothills and film the deer mating. It was all arranged and set up so we just went out there and sat around all night filming…"

"I see." Dotty said dryly in a tone that indicated she wasn't impressed. "So tell me—how was the mating—did you learn anything? Did you get any good footage?"

"Ahhhh. Yeah…they did their…thing…and we got it on film." She smiled brightly, hoping her mother would drop the subject now.

"Was it exciting? How does the buck express his desire for the doe? Do deer have any courtship rituals? Or was it more of a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am sort of thing?" Dotty had a perfectly straight face as she asked.

Amanda wondered where her mother came up with this sort of stuff. She certainly hadn't been like that when Amanda was little. Or maybe she had, but they'd kept if from Amanda.

She blushed at the innuendo and forged ahead. "Well mother—the male deer fight to see who gets to mate with the doe. They charge at each other and use their antlers to fight—it sounds loud—antlers crashing together. That's how hunters attract bucks—they bang antlers together and any buck that hears it is attracted to the sound and wants to engage in the fight."

"So far, that sounds about normal. Go on." She folded her arms in expectation of more.

Amanda took a deep breath. "So when the buck who wins is finally victorious—and the other bucks have run off—then he—ah—mounts the doe and that's about it."

"And the poor doe just stands there and watches it all. No candy—no flowers—no romance—just 'I'm the victor—come here and do it, woman?' " Dotty looked aggrieved on behalf of the poor doe.

Amanda shrugged. "They're deer, mother. For all I know the doe is happy it goes the way it does. She didn't seem to object or be in pain or anything…"

"I see. Well, I'm sure that fascinating bit of footage will win you an Oscar for sure."

"We don't tend to go after those sort of awards mother—we're a government film company. We produce films for the government."

"I see. Do you plan to go off into the foothills again for more of this fascinating footage that will help our government run more smoothly?"

"I think we're finished filming that one."

"Now comes the editing process—and then the premiere."

Amanda smiled. "You're sure getting the hang of the film business, mother." She ran upstairs quickly to avoid any more questions. She needed to shower and change her clothes.

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Lee Stetson arrived at his Georgetown apartment after his debriefing and medical checkup. He rubbed his rear end where he had been given an antibiotic injection just in case the truth serum he'd been injected with had been contaminated. 'Stupid doctors think I'm a pincushion. I've never been so poked and prodded since the last physical I had before going overseas with the colonel…'

He went into his bedroom and undressed, throwing his clothes on the floor. 'I'll pick it up later—right now, I need a shower and a nap. Yesterday must've taken more out of me than I realized. Good thing Amanda was there to keep me cool.'

As he showered, he thought back to the day before. He remembered the ride to the hideout—being tied up and injected—he even remembered the crude comments and threats they had made about saving Amanda 'for later.' He thought he could remember something of trying to get free—and maybe the explosion—but after that there was nothing really concrete until he awoke in the late afternoon—feeling hot, sweaty and miserable. He'd had a massive headache and was sore in every bone and joint in his body.

He could barely muster the strength to shuffle off to take a tepid shower, but he'd managed, using the sting of possible embarrassment to goad him onward. It just wouldn't do to have to have Amanda help him take a shower, when he was too weak to manage himself. Now taking a shower with Amanda when he was fit and healthy—that was another proposition entirely. He mused on how it would feel running his soapy hands all over her slim, sweet, wet, naked body. He closed his eyes and imagined what he could do with his partner—whoa! He opened his eyes again and turned the tap to cold.

'Amanda is my partner—nothing more.' He allowed the cold water to calm his racing thoughts. 'Face it Stetson, you've got a thing for your partner. But Amanda isn't the type to do a quick hot affair—and you're not the type to go for anything else. And it wouldn't be fair to her—she's a woman who expects some sort of commitment before she allows a man to make love to her. And I'm not a commitment sort of guy. At all. No way. That's not for me. So she's off limits. Period.'

He shut off the tap and dried himself off. He donned a pair of clean blue boxers and a t-shirt. He put his dirty clothes in the hamper, 'gotta do laundry soon,' and crawled into bed. As he drifted off to sleep, he wondered again what had happened while he was delirious. Amanda had said a few things, but he had the nagging feeling there was more to it than she had let on…

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Little Lee was hiding out in the treehouse in Amanda's backyard. He knew it was just a matter of time before they found him—but he had his trusty Tombstone Fanner with him—and three rolls of caps—so he knew he was ready for those Injuns. He was a famous cowboy and had been ambushed by Injuns while he was driving cattle to market. He'd been chased for days and was now holed up in this hideout—awaiting the braves who were after his scalp. Well he'd show them. He's shoot them down—no matter how many there were.

He flattened himself to the floor and peered cautiously down. They'd be there soon—he could hear them sneaking up on him.

"Quiet, doofus!" That was Philip. "He's gotta be here somewhere."

"I know—he ran back here—" that was Jamie. Silence. A scuffling. "He's not in the gazebo."

"Yeah." More silence—then he saw his brothers move into his field of vision. "Hey scarecrow—we see you up there." Philip taunted and they raised their 'bows and arrows': sticks with string that wouldn't harm anything.

"Don't call me scarecrow—wormbrain!" Lee taunted back.

"You're so small and scrawny—we'll call you scarecrow because that's what you are. And you don't even have a brain—so I guess a wormbrain is better than no brain—brainless!" Jamie was getting into the spirit of the game.

"Yeah—you'd better get out of here" —Lee fired a couple of warning shots above their heads—"I'll blast you so full of holes, you'll leak when you drink a glass of water."

"It's two against one brainless—you haven't got a chance." Philip drew himself up to his greater height.

Lee knew it was a bluff. He possessed the superior position and better armament. "Doesn't matter how many of you Injuns there are—my trusty Tombstone Fanner will mow you all down—I've got loads of ammunition!" He stood and fired multiple rounds at the hapless Injuns standing below. "Take that you stinkin' redskins!"

Jamie and Philip 'fired' arrows up at him, but they failed miserably to come anywhere near him. Lee continued to fire off lethal shots and soon Philip and Jamie were groaning and writhing on the ground, yelling "Y'got me!" and "I'm hit—I'm hit bad!" and other similar cheesy TV dialogue.

All too soon, Lee realized he had run through his roll of caps, and he knelt to re-load while his brothers continued to yell about dying and bleeding while still writhing on the ground in pretend agony.

"What the sam-hill is going on out here?" The boys all froze as their mother's voice carried out to the back yard. A moment later she appeared—in her white apron and flowered dress. "Philip, Jamie—get up off the ground. You're filthy! Go inside and wash up and change." The two older boys ran into the house. "Lee!" Her eyes tracked and spotted him in the treehouse. "Get down from there and hand me that gun. Right now!" She held out her hand and tapped her foot impatiently.

"We were just playing cowboys and Indians…" He trailed off as he climbed down and held his automatic pistol protectively against his chest.

"You know how I feel about guns. I especially don't want any guns in my house! Hand it over!" She held out her hand and looked sternly at him.

"But mum…"

"Lee—don't argue—give me that gun right now!" Reluctantly he handed over his beloved firearm.

Amanda took his automatic pistol and placed it in the pocket of her white apron, after engaging the safety and popping out the clip. "Now go upstairs with your brothers. Get cleaned up and change your clothes. Dinner will be ready once you're all finished." She gave him a smile and tousled his hair as he sped past.

Lee ran upstairs. Philip and Jamie were already in the bathroom. He was the youngest—so he was almost always last. But he had gotten them this time. 'Just goes to show strategy and tactics count more than age or experience.' He thought smugly.

Then the scene changed and the family was sitting at the dinner table. Amanda had made meat loaf with mashed potatoes—his favorite. He made a mountain—first he used the generous slab of meatloaf as a base, then he topped it with a generous portion of mashed potatoes, then smothered the whole thing with brown gravy. He even poured gravy over his green beans. Philip and Jamie didn't like green beans much—but he thought they tasted good—especially with a lot of gravy on top.

Once his food was arranged to his liking—he determinedly ate his way through the 'mountain' of food. It tasted really good, too. As he was eating his green beans, Philip kicked him under the table. Lee stuck his tongue out at Philip. Then he caught a trace of movement out of the corner of his eye—Jamie was trying to put his green beans onto Lee's plate. Lee turned and glared at his brother, and Jamie replaced the beans back on his own plate. Lee liked green beans—but he didn't feel like helping his brothers out—at least not right now anyhow.

"Philip, Jamie—eat your beans. See how nicely Lee has cleaned his plate? He ate every bite. No beans—no dessert." Amanda smiled at Lee for his good appetite.

Philip kicked Lee again under the table and Lee smirked at him.

"Show off." Jamie muttered right before he shoved a load of green beans into his mouth.

Lee thought back to the time he was living with his grandma Clayton. He went to live with her right after his mum and dad died. At first it was hard—but his grandma had encouraged him to talk about his mum and dad. They had a nice if somewhat isolated life. Grandma had a big old stone house in the country—it used to be a farm but she only kept chickens now. She rented the land to neighbors who farmed it. Lee made friends with most of the neighbor kids. One family had horses and Lee was allowed to ride occasionally with their kids if his chores were done.

Then Lee was back in Amanda's cheery kitchen. His tummy was full—he'd eaten all he wanted of the good meatloaf and mashed potatoes—the green beans—and then pie for dessert. Amanda was a real good cook. So was Grandma Dotty. Mum was a real good cook, too. Grandma Clayton was pretty good also. Then he remembered how it was with grandma at the end.

The last few months he lived with Grandma Clayton she was feeling poorly. Some afternoons when Lee returned from school—he'd find she was still in her bed. Those nights it was up to him to make supper for the both of them. He got real good at heating soup from a can and making sandwiches. Or toast.

He would sit with grandma and they would talk. Grandma told him what a good boy he was—how smart and resourceful he was to be able to keep the both of them fed, and the chickens going and collect the eggs. They would talk about his parents—Lee loved the stories about his dad when he was a boy living on the farm just like him.

The last few weeks school was out and Lee did all the cooking and chores. He knew what to do with the chickens. Lee gathered the eggs and placed those they didn't eat in the fridge for the egg man who came every week. Grandma made good money from selling those eggs. Lee made scrambled eggs for breakfast—he couldn't manage to flip the fried ones—they always broke apart anyway. He'd make soup and toast for lunch, and soup and sandwiches for dinner. But there wasn't always enough. Grandma didn't eat much—he'd give her her portion—and if she didn't finish it—he'd finish it for her. She never ate that much anyhow. But Lee knew the stock of cans was dwindling in the larder—so he had to ration them—otherwise they would run out of food. Lee was pretty hungry that last month—he hadn't been hungry like that ever before in his life, and he didn't like it. But he knew his grandma depended on him—so he endured.

Grandma told Lee about when she was a girl and a Great Depression. That was a time when everybody was poor and sometimes her family didn't have enough to eat and they had to skip meals. Lee figured a least he had three meals a day—even if they weren't real big meals…

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Lee Stetson awoke with a start in his bedroom in his Georgetown apartment. His body was bathed in sweat and his head was pounding. 'Where the hell did all that come from? I haven't thought about grandma in years… And what the hell was that with Philip and Jamie? And Amanda—in an apron—a white apron—my mum's apron?!?' His head throbbed more as he made the connection with the apron and his mother.

He glanced at the clock—4:17pm—his stomach rumbled. He got out of bed with a sigh and stripped off the t-shirt and shorts. After a quick shower he dressed in clean clothes and debated what he'd do for dinner. 'I wonder what Amanda's making for her boys…' He quickly censored his wayward thoughts, shuffled through his carry-out menus and ordered up Chinese to be delivered.

At 9pm he drew up a few doors past Amanda's white house. He shut off the 'Vette and sat a few moments gauging the neighborhood. Everything was quiet in the new night. A few houses had their lights on—families watching TV before going to bed on a weekday night. He slipped out of his car and made his way to Amanda's backyard. He looked carefully before he sat in the back of the gazebo in the shadows. His mind drifted back to his dreams and he looked up at the treehouse—it had been so real—so vivid—he could almost feel the boards as he lay in wait for his 'brothers'.

"Hey—you made it!" Amanda called softly as she sat beside him. "You feelin' OK? You looked like you were a million miles away."

"Yeah, I'm OK. How are you? Did your mother ask about the deer?"

Amanda blushed at the memory. "Oh yeah—good thing I remembered a few things when Leatherneck talked about deer hunting last fall…"

Lee chuckled. Then he got quiet. "Ah—Amanda? What did I talk about when I was delirious?"

Amanda shifted. "I told you—you talked about digging up the garden looking to see where the rabbit hole led…"

"You told me about that."

Amanda looked questioningly at him.

"Did I say anything about… about my…my mum?"

She fidgeted a bit. Then she met his eyes. "You thought I was your mother. You were delirious. I just let you babble and sponged you off. You really didn't say a whole lot more except you wanted milk and cookies…"

Lee nodded. "Um…Amanda…you really can't put too much stock in whatever I said…I was delirious after all…"

She smiled and started to reply—then she caught his look—haunted and wary. "Lee?" She asked softly, "what is it—are you OK—really OK?"

"Oh yeah," he tried to sound dismissive and didn't make it. "I…ah…just…''

"Amanda!" Dotty's voice carried outside from the back door.

"Yes mother," Amanda answered as she rose to go back in the house.

"Would you believe we have meat loaf left over?"

"I'll wrap it up—we can make sandwiches tomorrow." She turned, "Goodnight, Lee," she said in a soft voice. Then the sight of his partner was cut off as the back door closed behind her.

Lee let out the breath he had been holding. 'Meatloaf—and we ate meatloaf in my dream… Maybe I'm having some sort of delayed reaction to that drug after all…' He slipped quietly into the night and drove home.

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That night Lee dreamt of Amanda tucking him into bed and reading him a bedtime story: Treasure Island. He loved the pirates' life in that book. He felt all warm and snuggly in his small bed, with her sitting on the edge reading to him. Philip and Jamie were too big for bedtime stories—but he still loved them. He wished she'd never stop reading to him—even when he was all grown up. He remembered she had kissed him goodnight. He wondered if she'd kiss him for real someday…

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Tissue alert! I mean it! It gets heavy--but after this it's uphill. Busy day so I'm posting early. Enjoy! E

Dreams and Flashbacks

See part 1 for disclaimers

By Ermintrude

Chapter 2

The next couple days they were busy with a case. Then came the weekend. Amanda had the boys, so he hung around their baseball game watching. They didn't know he was there—but he enjoyed watching their games—it reminded him of his childhood playing sports with the other Air Force brats. One thing about military bases—there were always people around willing to play sports.

That night Lee picked up his dreams from where he had left off a few days earlier.

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Grandma Clayton had died during the summer, when Lee was out of school. He had been taking care of the both of them for almost three weeks. Then one morning he brought grandma's tray up to her bedroom, and she wouldn't wake up. He touched her face and it was cold and stiff—and he knew she was dead. He was very sad and frightened—what should he do? Then he remembered—Grandma always said if things got bad—go to the Murphy's—their neighbors.

He ate grandma's breakfast and his own and did his chores—no sense letting the eggs go bad or the chickens go unfed. After washing the dishes, be walked the couple miles to the Murphy's. He told Mrs. Murphy that his grandma wouldn't wake up—he didn't want to say she was dead—he didn't want to scare them. Mrs. Murphy gave him some lunch while Mr. Murphy went over to grandma's house. When he returned he talked to Mrs. Murphy in the parlor while Lee played with their children—4 and 2 year-old girls and the nearly year-old boy. Then Mrs. Murphy hugged him close and murmured, "oh you poor boy."

Lee stayed with the Murphy's for a few days. Then they all dressed up and they went to Grandma Clayton's funeral. Lee was real sad—but he figured life with the Murphy's wouldn't be so bad. They had lots of livestock and their children were little. Lee figured he could help with chores and be generally useful to earn his keep. He liked Mr. and Mrs. Murphy. He still missed grandma and his mum and dad—but Mrs. Murphy was nice—she hugged and kissed him—and he always had lots to eat.

At the funeral he noticed a stranger—a man in a uniform. The man kept looking at Lee—he didn't like the man—he looked unhappy and tense. He thought he'd seen the man before—but he couldn't remember when or where. The uniform was familiar—but it wasn't green like the Army soldiers he'd seen in town—it was blue.

After the funeral, the strange man came up and introduced himself.

"Hello, Lee. I'm your uncle, Captain Robert Clayton." He held out his hand.

Suddenly Lee remembered where he had seen the man before—when his mum and dad died he was at the funeral with Grandma Clayton. He remembered grandma talked about her two boys—Matty and Robby—dad's half-brother. Grandma had explained how her first husband—Grandpa Stetson—had died when Matty was 3 and she had remarried Grandpa Clayton and had Robbie when Matty was 5.

Lee nodded silently but didn't take his uncle's hand—he leaned into Mrs. Murphy's skirts.

"Lee, we're the only family each other has." The man looked sincere.

Lee was silent.

The Captain forged ahead. "So now that your grandma's dead, you're going to live with me." He smiled a bit, but it didn't look like he was happy about it.

"NO!" Lee shouted. "No! I'm gonna live with the Murphys—I wanna stay with the Murphys—I'll be good—I'll help with the chores and keep track of the little kids…" He turned his head into Mrs. Murphy and held on hard.

She spoke soothingly. "Lee sweetheart, your uncle is family—you belong with your family, Lee. We wouldn't ever stand in the way of that…" Mrs. Murphy smoothed his hair and spoke softly—but her words hurt just the same.

"NO! I don't want to leave!" His eyes stung with hot tears.

His uncle tried again. "Lee—you can live with me on the Air Force base. You'll see all sorts of airplanes and helicopters. I'll take you up in a plane, a chopper—hell—when you're older you can even learn to fly 'em yourself."

Lee was silent. He didn't like this man. He smelled funny—not like a farm but like machines.

Captain Clayton took Lee's hand—Lee pulled away and yelled and screamed—he tried to get back to Mrs. Murphy but the Captain was too strong—Lee couldn't get loose—then he saw Mrs. Murphy—only now it was Amanda—she held her arms out to Lee and he got loose and ran to her.

She held him close and talked to him. "Lee—you don't have to go with the Colonel. You can live at my house with my family—you can be a brother for Philip and Jamie—you and Jamie are almost the same age—you're almost 8 and he's 8 already—you'll like living at my house. You'll have brothers to play with all the time."

He held on to her and he smelled her shampoo—it was nice. He liked the way his Amanda smelled. It felt so good to hold her close.

"Don't worry Lee, I'll take care of you—I'll give you enough to eat—and I'll love you like your mother—I love my boys and I can love you too—can you love me? I want you to love me…"

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Lee awoke in a sweat—it was 2:46am. His heart was pounding and he had another headache. He got up and took a couple of aspirin. No sense in trying to get back to sleep—he went into the living room and poured himself a glass of scotch. Then he turned on the TV. He found some old movie and sat half-watching and half-musing, as he drank. 'Another weird dream about Amanda and her boys—well mostly Amanda. I'd forgotten that I thought I was going to live with the Murphys after grandma died. That sure would have been a better life for me than traipsing along after the Colonel all those years. Nobody really said anything—and the Colonel never visited grandma when I was living with her.'

'Is this a reaction to that drug again? I know I was delirious and had those dreams the day afterward. The doctor said I might have some delayed effects—but it's been four days now. Surely the drug is all out of my system…' He watched the movie, refilling his glass once and eventually drifted off to sleep sitting on his couch.

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Young Lee was back after his grandma's funeral. Mrs. Murphy was holding him and talking to the Captain. "Give the boy some time. He can stay with us tonight and you can take him in the morning." Mrs. Murphy sounded sad.

"I only have a 72 hour pass. We have to leave tonight if I'm going to get back to the base in time." His uncle sounded impatient.

"Couldn't you ask for some more time? After all, your mother just died, and Lee needs a little time to adjust…"

"I need to set a good example in my squadron. I would expect them to return as soon as possible and so I have to follow those rules myself. We leave today." There was no room for argument with that statement.

Mrs. Murphy sighed. "Will you stay for supper at least? We planned for a big group and it will give Lee time to say goodbye to his friends."

The Captain thought for a minute, and then nodded. "All right. Lee and I will go back to the house and pack his things. I have a trunk for him. Then we'll be over for supper."

"We'll eat at 6—will that be OK?" Mrs. Murphy smiled sadly.

"6 it is. Thank you ma'am for the invitation. Say thank you, Lee."

"Thank you Mrs. Murphy." Lee said in a small voice.

"C'mon now, boy. We've got to pack you up."

This time Mrs. Murphy pushed Lee away toward his uncle. He looked back at her with a lost forlorn look.

She smiled back at him in reassurance. "It will be OK, Lee—you'll come to like living with your uncle. You're family—you belong together."

The captain took his hand, and this time he didn't resist.

At grandma's big old stone house, they packed up his things. Not everything—just his clothes that still fit and weren't too worn out—and whatever else he could manage to fit in the trunk.

His uncle explained. "This is your kit, boy. From now on everything you own will have to fit in this trunk. If it doesn't—it stays behind."

Lee looked forlornly at the possessions he'd have to leave behind. "Where will I sleep?" He envisioned himself trying to fit into the trunk to sleep.

"You'll have a bed and sheets and all that at the base. I've applied for family quarters. You'll have your own room—won't that be nice?"

"I always had my own room," Lee replied sullenly. Didn't his uncle know anything about him?

The Captain took a breath and let it out slowly. "Son—there's one thing you'd better learn right quick. I'm a Captain in the US Air Force—I'm part of a fine group of men. We live up to high standards and I expect the respect due my rank. And that means I expect you to respect me as well. I'm sorry your parents and grandma died. I know you aren't happy with the idea of living with me and God knows I never expected to have to raise you when I promised Matt and Jenny that I'd look after you if anything happened to them. But I made that promise and I always do my duty. So here we are. We're all each other has—so you'd better get used to it. I expect you to address me with respect, which means you will call me Captain or sir. Do you understand?"

Lee was sullenly silent.

"Do you understand, boy?" The Captain was sounding a bit angry, now.

Lee nodded.

"I didn't hear you." The Captain spoke sharply.

"Yes," Lee mumbled.

"What did you say? I couldn't hear you. Speak up."

"Yes," Lee said loudly.

"Yes what, boy?" The Captain growled.

Lee thought a bit. He was stuck with this man—so he figured he'd probably go along—for now. "Yes—sir." He said through clenched teeth.

The Captain nodded. "That will do—for now."

They had a last supper with the Murphys. They had fried chicken. Lee ate as much as he wanted. It sure was good.

Then it was time to go. He hugged Mrs. Murphy tightly. "Thank you for taking care of me. I really would have liked to live with you—but I'll go live with my uncle. Thank you." He buried his head in her warm chest, and cried hot tears.

"You would have been welcome to live with us, if your uncle hadn't come by. But he's your family—you belong with your family, Lee. Always remember, family is the most important thing. Remember that Lee—family is the most important thing." But now it was Amanda telling him that. "Family is the most important thing—I love my boys—I can love you, too—can you love me?—will you love me?"

"Oh, Amanda—I want to love you—but I'm not sure I can love you—I don't know if I can love anyone—I want you—I want to hold you—I want to make love to you—but I don't know if I can love you like you want me to…"

He held on to Amanda—she felt so good in his arms. He pressed his face to her hair—she smelled so nice—she was so warm and soft—he wanted to hold her—touch her—his hands roamed over her soft curves. He kissed her and she responded to him—they melted into each other—and he quickly became aroused as he held her tightly to his body…

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Lee awoke with a start on his couch with a raging erection. He took a few deep calming breaths and things subsided a bit. He shook his head and headed off for another cold shower. These were becoming more frequent as the erotic dreams about Amanda became more common.

'But this one was different. Usually I get a lot farther along before I wake up.' He mused as he dressed for his Sunday off. 'This time it was more about … love … than about sex.'

He made coffee for himself, drank it and then left. He knew Amanda was taking the boys to the National Zoo with a group of school kids. She and Dotty were chaperones. He would spend the day at the zoo watching them. There were worse ways to spend his day off.


	3. Chapter 3

Dreams and Flashbacks

Chapter 3

By Ermintrude

See part 1 for disclaimers

Lee had no dreams Sunday night. He'd spent a couple of hours at the zoo—but seeing Amanda and her family wasn't as soothing as it usually was. He kept being reminded of the Colonel and the Murphys and living with his Grandma Clayton.

He left in the early afternoon and went back home. Then he got dressed and went out to a bar he had frequented for years…but he hadn't been there in a while. How long had it been? Since last fall? Was it that long?

He entered and the bartender looked surprised as he greeted Lee.

"Been a while. You been working out-of-town?"

Lee nodded, "Something like that." He gave the man a nice tip as he took the scotch the bartender poured for him. He sat back and surveyed the crowd.

It was a Sunday night—which meant the crowd would be thin. He saw one or two women that might have interested him in the past—but not tonight. 'Ever since Leslie—I just haven't felt like dating around. And we've been pretty busy—Amanda and I have been working almost constantly since last fall.'

He thought back on the past six months. 'Amanda took off a week at Christmas—and for once we didn't have a case. I took her to the British embassy on New Year's Eve. Emily was there and it was good to catch up with her.'

He thought back to that party—Amanda had worn a midnight blue gown with a flowing skirt. They had danced and drank champagne and had a wonderful visit with Emily. They had also had dinner—just the three of them a few nights before the big party—to catch up on the real news in the covert world they all lived in.

And Amanda said she had lunch with Emily and Dotty on yet another day. Lee shook his head at the thought of Dotty and Amanda together—Emily was certainly braver than he to brave the both of them simultaneously. But Emily spoke well of Dotty—and Lee did admit—privately to himself—the woman was a pistol. She was certainly more outgoing and aggressive in her dating than Amanda was. Not that he wanted Amanda to date. The last one had been…he thought back…Alan Chamberlain? He thought back to Joe—who had wanted to start back up with Amanda again—but Amanda wouldn't have any of it. He had been pretty jealous—jealous?—yeah jealous. Lee had even backed off a bit with their partnership—they had worked the Marvelous Marvin's case as brother and sister. It hadn't been nearly as satisfying as usual—but when Marvin Metz had expressed a personal interest in Amanda it had been helpful to the case. And she had assured Lee it had been purely professional, and Lee had believed her.

He finished his scotch and signaled the maitre'd for a table—for one. He ate a fine dinner and afterward drifted off to a sports bar near his apartment. He spent the rest of the evening drinking beer and watching hockey with the regulars. He got home relatively early and went to bed.

Monday started a very busy week, and Lee was too caught up in work to think about anything else. Thursday had been a close call—he had gone to meet an informant and he'd told Amanda to stay in the car—she didn't—and that was very lucky because the Agency sedan they were driving had been totaled by a city bus that had lost its brakes. It was an accident pure and simple—but it had still shaken Lee deeply.

They had taken a cab back to the Agency and he insisted on following Amanda home to make sure she arrived safely, after they finished their day. He had returned later after dark to watch over her and make sure everything was all right. Amanda, Dotty and the boys had a normal evening. He thought about tapping on the glass—but they had all gone upstairs together and he didn't get the chance. Briefly he considered climbing her trellis to tap on her bedroom window—but he didn't. It reminded him of the Alan Chamberlain case—and he really didn't have anything to say to her.

That night he had another dream.

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He was at the base with his schoolmates. He was in fifth grade then. His friend Alicia was with him. They had been walking together back to their quarters after school. Lee liked Alicia—she was blonde and had curls and was nice. They hung out together—she was something of a tomboy and Lee liked that, too. She could keep up with him. He didn't like those girly-girls that were all giggles and tea parties. Alicia liked bugs and running and getting dirty—just like he did. Suddenly, three of the older boys were blocking their path.

Ralph, the ringleader spoke. "Hey Alicia—you put bugs in my desk."

She stood tall and faced him. "Maybe I did and maybe I didn't. What's it to you?"

"The teacher found them and I spent time in detention. Now you gotta pay."

"Oh yeah—sez you!" She bristled and tried to look menacing, balling her fists.

Suddenly a fourth boy came from behind and grabbed Alicia and held her. Lee saw him and yelled.

"Hey—that's not fair—let her go!" Before he realized what he was doing he attacked the bigger boys with his fists and feet, punching, kicking, doing whatever he could to keep them from hurting Alicia. Alicia soon got loose, and they both waded in to the gang, wailing on them for all they were worth. Some adults heard the yelling and pulled them all apart. Lee had a black eye and a bloody nose, but so did Ralph and the others weren't much better off. Alicia had a few scrapes and bruises herself, but they smiled at each other in triumph. They made a good team.

Then the Major was there—he put his hand on Lee's shoulder. "Who started this fight?"

Lee looked his uncle in the eye and replied boldly, as he pointed to the bully that had grabbed his friend. "He was holding Alicia and they were gonna beat her up. I wasn't gonna let them do that—it isn't fair. One-on-one—that's fair. That's what you told me, sir." He sniffed as the blood ran from his nose, but he wasn't going to cry. His uncle didn't allow tears, even though his nose hurt really bad, and his eye smarted.

The Major looked around at the six miscreants and noted the difference in size between his nephew and Alicia, and the other four boys. He nodded. "I see. I'll be sure to report this to your parents, boys. You shouldn't be picking on the younger students." The major turned to look at Lee and Alicia. "But you shouldn't be fighting either, boy. Or you, missy. Maybe a few hours of cleanup detail will help reinforce that lesson for all of you."

The four boys noted the major's insignia and looked abashed. "Yes, sir." They mumbled.

All of them got into trouble, but Lee was glad because he and Alicia had managed to hold their own against the bullies. They gave as good as they got and came out of it with only a few scrapes. He looked back at Alicia—and suddenly it was Amanda. They had gotten into quite a few scrapes too, and still made it out alive. He liked Amanda—she wasn't like the other girls in his life—she was tough and stubborn and kept up with him—just like Alicia.

Amanda smiled at him and they embraced. They had made it out of yet another tight situation. They were a great team. 'We're partners—we watch each others' backs—we take care of each other—Amanda will take care of me—she's always there for me—I'm always there for her—I can't imagine my life without her—what would I do if she left?—if she found someone else?—I want her for my very own—I want to be with her always—we belong together—we're a team—in everything…'

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Lee awoke at 5:07am with a start. He was breathing hard—like he'd just been in a fight—which he had—in his dream. 'This is getting ridiculous. I wonder if this could be a delayed reaction to that drug from the crispy terrorists? Maybe I can talk to someone about it. But I'll have to be subtle…' He got up and dressed for the day. 'Might as well go in early and clear away some paperwork. I'm not gonna sleep any more anyhow.'


	4. Chapter 4

Dreams and Flashbacks

Chapter 4

By Ermintrude

See part 1 for disclaimers

AN--Pete Seeger's 90th birthday was this past weekend. This one is dedeicated to him! E

The next day Lee ran into Dr. Pfaff in the hallway. He figured it was a good opportunity to talk to the shrink without getting cornered in his office.

"Hey doc, got a minute?" Lee tried to look casual.

Dr. Pfaff looked at him in surprise. "Yes. What can I do for you, Scarecrow?"

"Ahhh, it's about that truth drug those crispy terrorists gave me. I had a reaction and I was delirious."

"Yes, I read about it. I'm interested in knowing if you've been experiencing any long-term aftereffects from that."

"Funny you should ask—I was wondering—how long do you think I would have physical side-effects?"

Pfaff thought for a moment—Lee pictured him eating an ice-cream bar as he thought. "The drug should flush out of your system in a few days—no more than a week."

"I see." Lee thought. "Could there be any psychological side-effects—like LSD or something?"

"That is a fascinating question. Now that drug was a fairly straightforward truth drug—no hallucinogenic components to it—but because it was old and had started to break down—there's no telling what effects you might experience. Tell me, have you had any side-effects?—flashbacks?—strange dreams?" He looked intently at Lee. Lee just looked confused. Pfaff grabbed his arm and continued. "It could be long-term—if the drug unlocked any deep inner turmoil—it could accelerate the process—it could cause deep repressed memories and emotions to come to the surface—like intensive psychoanalysis—it could be like months of therapy in a few weeks—"

"No doc—nothing like that has happened—I was just wondering…" Lee lied quickly and tried to get away but the man was on a roll and didn't hear Lee's reply.

"It could be emotionally difficult—could cause damage if not handled properly." Dr. Pfaff focused on Lee intently but with great enthusiasm. "Do you think this has happened?—we could arrange regular meetings—get together twice a week—it would be fascinating to track this process—I read once about a study where a truth drug caused a deeply repressed personality to undergo lasting change in a short time—are you feeling something like that?—we need to explore this—you need to come here twice a week— "

Lee disengaged from the shrink and fled. 'Well that was a total disaster. Hopefully the guy will forget all about it. I didn't admit to anything anyway…'

That night Lee dreamt again.

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Teen Lee was sitting in the waiting room of the base psychiatrist. His uncle had ordered him to go because they had been fighting constantly, and his teacher had suggested it might help. Lee didn't want to go—he'd seen some of these shrinks before and they had just made him mad. All Lee could think about was reaching 18 and leaving his uncle—going off on his own away from Air Bases and his uncle and the military. But a little conflict in a Southeast Asian country called Vietnam was heating up—and he knew he'd be drafted unless he got a deferment—so he planned to study more and get into college—so he could get a student deferment. He didn't want to go fight in some jungle.

In the psychiatrist's office the man droned on for a while—and then sent Lee into a small room to take a whole bunch of tests. Lee hated these sort of tests—there was never any right answer, it seemed. No matter what you put down—they always found something wrong with you. Lee took stupid multiple-choice tests and looked at ink blots and put pegs into holes and looked at pictures and puzzles. It took all day.

Then Lee was back with the shrink, and the man was talking to him about studying him for the effects of how loss and emotional trauma could shape a child. The shrink had the results of all of his tests and wanted to study Lee—they could have sessions twice a week—and they would explore Lee's inner recesses and unlock all his secrets—the shrink would learn so much and Lee might benefit from some deep therapy.

Lee was deeply frightened by the man—but he didn't let on. He didn't want anyone exploring his innermost secrets—he liked his privacy—what little there was living with his uncle. He had heard this song by Pete Seeger—Die Gedanken Sind Frei—My Thoughts are Free. Lee liked listening to those 'counter-culture' groups—as well as the hard rock of the Rolling Stones. He figured nothing about his life since his parents had died was in his control—but his thoughts were still free—still his own. This shrink wanted to make him bring all that out and share it. Lee wasn't going to have any of that. He was panicked—but rapidly formulating a plan to divert the guy.

Then providence—in the form of the Air Force—intervened, and the Major was transferred. Lee had never been so happy for a transfer in his life. They were given all their records to carry with them to the next posting—and Lee had gone through them in the middle of the night while his uncle was sleeping—and destroyed all the psychological ones from that shrink. He read a bit here and there—'well above average intelligence, deep-seated hostility arising from the early loss of his parents, excellent adaptability and assimilation to new situations, lack of motivation or long-term purpose, retreats into superficial social interactions to compensate for the inability to form deep long-term attachments.' Lee didn't understand all of it—but he realized that if these records were gone—he wouldn't have to see any more shrinks. So he took them out, being careful to leave everything else in the folders, and quietly burned them outside in the deep night.

Lee was worried he'd end up in the stockade if anyone ever found out what he had done, but it would be worth it. He didn't like that shrink—he hated all the shrinks—they wouldn't leave him alone—they wanted to fix him—they wanted to know all his secrets and make him better—they wanted him to be a normal boy. That would never happen. He didn't have parents—his mum and dad were dead—he wasn't normal—he'd never be normal—why couldn't they just leave him alone?—why couldn't he just live his life and wait it out until he was 18?—then he could go out on his own and be a man—he certainly didn't want to live with the major forever—when he was 18 he could move out and be his own man…

Then Amanda was there. "You can come live with me and my family, Lee. You don't have to be normal—you're a spy for heaven's sakes. What's normal about that?"

He ran to Amanda and she held him. "I'll take care of you—I'll love you just like your mother—you can live with us and be a big brother to Philip and Jamie—they'll love having another man around the house."

Lee held tight to Amanda—it felt so good to press their bodies together. 'I want to love her—she will love me no matter what—but I'm not sure I can love her—she does love me—I want to hold her forever—she's in love with me—I know it—I want to make love to her—I think she wants to make love to me—I guess I do love her—I'm in love with my Amanda. But how can I tell her? And what should I do about it?'

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He awoke in a sweat again and massively confused. 'I'm in love with Amanda? No way! She's not like Eva—or even Dorothy. She's—she's—well, she's my Amanda. She's different from any other woman in my life. I can't be in love with my partner. No way.' He forcefully dismissed those forbidden thoughts from his mind and concentrated on his weekend. 'Maybe I'll go up to New York—see a baseball game—do some shopping—get a new suit or two—maybe I can find something nice for Amanda. Yeah—New York it is.'


	5. Chapter 5

Dreams and Flashbacks

Chapter 5

By Ermintrude

See part 1 for disclaimers

Lee spent his Saturday in New York first shopping for some new suits. He looked at styles and fabrics and made some tentative choices. His measurements were taken and he agreed to return the next day to make the final choices and arrange for payment and delivery. He went to a baseball game in the afternoon, and had a pretty good time—even if the Yankees lost. But maybe that made the day even better.

Saturday night Lee was in a fine hotel in New York after a great dinner and an evening on the town. He had gone to a few of the hot spots—danced and drank and socialized like in the old days—but it wasn't the same. The women were cheap, painted and shallow. They only wanted one thing. And he didn't find any of them particularly attractive or arousing. That worried him more than a bit—but he shrugged it off as just a one-time thing. Everyone had an off-night now and them.

He'd gotten back to his room late, and he smelled of cigarettes and expensive whiskey. He took the bottle of scotch he'd bought earlier, opened it and poured himself a generous measure. The liquor warmed his throat as it went down. 'Nothing like a fine single-malt,' he thought in appreciation of Scotland and all it had produced over the centuries.

He sat in the plush chair and stared out the window at the city. 'New York isn't like any other city on the planet. There's always something going on—the city that never sleeps—and you can get anything from anywhere in the world here—all you have to know is where to look. And I know a whole lot more about where to look than most people.'

He spent some time reminiscing about his adventures in Gotham over his career. They were many and varied. 'I wonder how Amanda would like the city? She said she'd been here for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade—but I wonder if she's ever experienced any of New York's night life?' He thought of his wasted evening. 'If Amanda had been with me, it would have been different.' He imagined himself dancing with Amanda at a disco—they'd move to the hot sensual beat and their bodies would rub against each other to the slower tunes…

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18-year-old Lee had finally graduated High School and was about to go out into the world. His uncle had just been promoted to lieutenant colonel, and was busy organizing his new command. He didn't have a lot of time for his nephew. Lee had chosen a college on the East Coast with a good athletic program. He liked sports—and even though he didn't have a scholarship—he planned to be on the football team. His uncle the colonel had explained how his schooling and room and board would be paid for out of the trust his parents had left him—but he was responsible for his own spending money and extras.

Lee didn't care—he was finally free! Free and on his own. Except he discovered that he didn't control the trust—his uncle did—so he was still under the man's thumb. So Lee was still chained to his uncle—he wasn't free—he railed and fought against the chains that shackled him to the colonel—but nothing he could do would break them.

Then Amanda was there—just out of reach—he wanted to go to her—he wanted to be with her—he loved her so much—and she was just out of reach. He looked back to try to appeal to the colonel—except the colonel now looked like Dr. Smyth—and he wouldn't let Lee go. Lee wanted to be with Amanda—and Dr. Smyth wouldn't let him.

The cruel, heartless director of the Agency puffed away on his cigarette and spoke. "It's her or me, boy. One or the other—you can't have both—Amanda or your career—do you like being the Scarecrow?—you can be Scarecrow with me—or Lee with Amanda—you can't have both. You have to choose, boy. Amanda or Scarecrow. One or the other. And you'd better make the right choice." Dr. Smyth leered at Lee. "Get a brain, Scarecrow—you're worthless without your job. You can't do anything else. You'd be a failure if it wasn't for me and this Agency."

Then Amanda intervened—she moved to stand between Lee and Dr. Smyth. She waved the smoke out of her eyes, and crushed his cigarette out. She stood to face the director of the Agency, hands on her hips and spoke in her 'mom' voice. "No sir, he can too have both. I'm Scarecrow's partner—everyone says so—Mr. Melrose put us together—and we are a team—we watch each others' backs. And Lee is my friend—I'm his friend—his best friend—I know him better than anyone else—I know him better than his mother. I can be Scarecrow's partner and Lee's friend—I can be both—we can do both—we can be partners and lovers. Billy wants that—look at how much he keeps pushing us to work together—he keeps sending us in as a married couple—that isn't coincidence." She shook her finger in Smyth's astonished face. "We can do it—we can have it all—we want it all—we want to be together all the time—at work and at home—we love each other—we have to be together—always and forever—we will be together—always and forever."

She turned to Lee, and took his hands in her own. "I love you, Lee. I love you like I've never loved anyone else. You love me, too. I know it."

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Lee awoke in the chair, the remainder of his drink spilled onto the carpet. 'That was an intense one.' He took a deep breath. 'All right—I admit it—I love Amanda—I'm in love with my partner. But I can't do anything about it—we'd be reassigned—at the very least. Amanda isn't an agent—Smyth would probably just fire her—to get her out of the way.'

He took a shower and got ready for bed. But sleep didn't come for a long time. 'These damn dreams and flashbacks are making me crazy. I guess that stupid drug did have some long-term psychological effects on me. But I can handle it. I'm still doing the job—we haven't gotten killed—so things are OK.' He recited baseball statistics until he finally slept.

Sunday morning he woke late. He felt out-of-sorts, not so much physically but somewhat off-balance. Like something was out-of-place in his mind. 'With all these damn dreams I guess it will just take a bit of time to get back to normal. But I am OK—I'm still doing the job, and I have an amazing partner to keep me on track.' He smiled warmly at the thought of Amanda—and suddenly he felt a lot better. After he had showered and dressed, and drunk his morning coffee—he called Amanda. 'Just to make sure she's OK.' He rationalized to himself.

"Hello?"

"Hey Amanda—how's your weekend going?"

"Pretty good—mother and I are doing the spring cleaning. The boys are with Joe so we can get a lot more done without them underfoot. Of course they still have to do their share—they have to clean their rooms and we've saved the garage for them."

"I hope you're saving some time for yourself." He pictured her in her cleaning clothes—an old sweatshirt and her hair tied back. Even dressed for hard work she was beautiful…

"Oh yeah—tonight I'm gonna take a long hot bubble bath. Mother got a new book she said I'd enjoy."

"Another one of her potboiler romances?" Lee loved teasing her.

"I guess so. So why did you call—do you need me to come into the office?"

"No—I'm up in New York—I felt like getting out of town for the weekend. I just was thinking of you and wanted to make sure everything was OK."

She was silent for a few moments. "That's sweet, Lee. I'm fine. How are things in New York?"

Now it was his turn to be silent while he thought. "It's OK, but I think I'd have more fun if you were here with me. Have you ever done the New York nightlife?"

"No—we went to the Thanksgiving Day Parade once—but I've never spent any real time in the city. I bet you know all the hot places, huh?" She sounded teasing.

"I know a few places. Maybe we can see the city together sometime. I think you'd like some of the more elegant places."

"I'd like to have you show them to me." She said softly. "Oh—I have to get back to the cleaning—mother is calling me out to help beat the rugs…"

"Yeah—gotta beat those rugs. See you tomorrow morning at the office."

"See you tomorrow, Lee. Thanks for calling."

Lee spent the day shopping. He made his final choices for four new suits and arranged for them to be sent when they were finished. He picked up half-a-dozen shirts and some ties and socks, and some new blue boxers. He went to another store and got two pair of new shoes—the job was so tough on his wardrobe. He walked around window shopping and he saw a sweater in the window of a women's store. It was white and form-fitting with a v-neck and made of angora and silk. Inside he saw it on the rack and ran his fingers over the fuzzy, soft material. He imagined the sweater on Amanda—and then his fingers running over her slim form while wearing the sweater—and then his hands helping her out of the sweater. He looked through the selection—and found one in her size. He immediately decided he had to get one for her.

He brought the sweater to the counter and had the woman remove the tags and wrap it as a gift. 'I'll leave the box where she'll see it.' The woman offered him a small card, and he signed it 'Your secret admirer.' 'That way she can't refuse it—she won't know who it came from. But she will—she'll recognize my handwriting.' He smiled. She'd protest—but she'd take it in the end. He just hoped she'd wear it soon.

Back home, he put his purchases away and placed the box for Amanda on the table next to his door. 'Can't forget that in the morning.' He watched a movie and went to bed early, so he could get to the office before his partner. He loved surprising her.


	6. Chapter 6

Dreams and Flashbacks

Chapter 6

By Ermintrude

See part 1 for disclaimers

Monday at the office, Lee arrived early and put the box on the couch up in the Q Bureau. Amanda arrived a little before 9am—and immediately saw the box. Lee was at his desk—pretending to be busy. He was really watching Amanda covertly.

"Lee—do you know anything about this box?" She held it up so he could see it.

He shrugged. "It was there on the couch. It has your name on it—so I figured it was for you."

She fixed him with an incredulous stare, and he smiled innocently back. She shook her head, and sat on the couch with the box in her hands.

She read the card. "My secret admirer, huh?" She gave him a 'do you expect me to believe this?' look, and he just gave her a pleasant smile that gave away nothing.

She shook her head, and unwrapped the box. She read the name of the store, and looked at him in surprise. "Lee…"

"What's in the box? Open it up so I can see what you got." He prompted her eagerly.

She rolled her eyes, and opened the box. She drew back the tissue, and pulled out the sweater. Her eyes went wide, and she looked at her partner. "Lee—it's beautiful." She rubbed her cheek against the soft fuzzy material. "It's so soft—I bet it will be really cuddly to wear…" She broke off with a blush at the implications of her words.

"Yeah—soft and cuddly." He let the implications of his statement hang between them. She looked down blushing furiously.

"Lee—it's really beautiful—but it's too much. I can't take this…"

"If you don't like it you could return it—if you had the tags, of course." He said with a shrug.

She looked in the box, but found no tags. "I love it—but someone seems to have taken all the tags—so I guess it can't be returned."

"Gee—that's too bad." Lee said with studied nonchalance. "I guess you have to keep it then."

She stared at him hard—seemingly trying to read his mind. Then she relented. "Thank you, Lee it's beautiful. You really didn't have to get this for me…"

He shrugged. "I got myself a few new suits and some other stuff. I just saw that and figured it would look nice on you, so I picked it up. It's no big deal, really…" He ran down and ended up looking a bit sheepish. 'She's my partner—for God's sake. Can't I buy her a gift if I want to? She's bought me clothing before—those socks for Christmas a few years ago…' His mind was busy rationalizing it to himself again.

She stepped up to him and gently kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Lee. It's beautiful. But it's too nice to wear at the office. I'll save it for the next time we need to dress up. I'm making a long skirt that should look great with it."

"I'll look forward to it, Amanda." They were lost in each others' gaze for a moment—then the phone rang and the spell was broken.

Amanda put the sweater away as Lee answered the phone and their work week began.

Wednesday night Lee and Amanda were assigned to attend a reception for the Bulgarian ambassador. They were to go and mingle—keeping an eye on the dignitaries and on the lookout for anyone making an exchange or passing information. Lee picked Amanda up at 8—she'd not been able to go out to dinner with him—she had to help Philip with his history—he had a test the next day. It was a cool night so the sweater was perfect. She'd made a flowing skirt from a silvery material and she looked like a dream. He told her so and she blushed and shyly thanked him for the compliment.

They spent the evening mingling, drinking champagne, eating canapés and later, dancing. Nothing untoward happened, and it was a pleasant if uneventful evening. Lee was very pleased with his purchase. As they danced, his hand rested on her back and the feel of the soft material warmed by her skin made his head spin. He was lost in the feel of his partner's body pressed against him as they danced. Then the party was over and he drove her back home. She kissed his cheek softly and thanked him again for the sweater, then she was out of the car and inside her front door. He waited until after the light was out in her bedroom and drove home.

At home Lee undressed and climbed in bed. He recalled the feeling of Amanda in his arms as they danced—and he fervently wished he wasn't alone. 'Maybe one day she'll come back here and we'll make love all night long…' Then he shook his head. 'Amanda's not that type of woman. She expects a big commitment before she'd agree to any physical relationship…' And he drifted of to sleep.

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Lee was at the Bulgarian Embassy again—this time with Leslie. She was wearing the black dress he had bought her—but it wasn't right. It didn't really fit—it hung crooked, and the strap refused to stay up on her right shoulder. She looked pretty—but with the ill-fitting dress she just didn't measure up to the rest of the people here. Lee drew her to the dance floor, and they danced. It was pleasant—but something was definitely missing. It just didn't feel right.

Then the scene changed, and Lee was back in his old apartment with Leslie—they were on the couch and kissing. It was pleasant again—but nothing special. Lee thought about it and wondered if he was losing his touch. They broke apart and Lee whispered her name…"Amanda." Leslie looked hurt, then sad. His mind replayed the scene when Leslie had walked out of his life.

"Lee—you aren't interested in me at all. You'd better decide just who it is you want to be dating."

"Leslie…" He didn't finish. He couldn't think of anything to say that would redeem himself with Leslie that wasn't too revealing or a lie.

She smiled sadly and caressed his cheek. "You are in love with your assistant, Lee. Anyone who sees the two of you together can see that. She loves you and you love her. Why don't you stop pretending and go after the woman you really want? Do yourself and her a favor—and try dating Amanda. I bet she'll say yes."

"You don't understand—colleagues can't date at my workplace…"

The scene shifted and Leslie was standing in front of his desk in the Q bureau. She looked him in the eye. She was being gracious but she was hurt—he could see it in her eyes. "Lee—stop making excuses. You've got to stop kidding yourself and everyone else—" She gestured to his partner sitting on the couch, oblivious to the little scene playing out in front of her—she was reading reports. "Go and be with Amanda if it's Amanda you love—don't go out and hurt anyone else—don't hurt yourself—don't hurt Amanda—she cares for you—anyone can see it when you two are together—you hurt me—and I'm going now. Stop me if you really care for me—stop me if I'm not just a substitute for something you think you can't have—stop me if you really want me and not your Amanda…" Leslie turned and walked out of the door. He couldn't bring himself to say or do anything to stop her.

Lee felt awful—usually he was the one to end the relationship—not the woman. But Leslie had been right—he wasn't interested in Leslie—he realized now that he had wanted Amanda but wasn't ready to admit it to himself. Amanda was still sitting on the couch reading, and hadn't noticed his turmoil—which was good for him.

He sat at his desk and pretended to read reports—but his mind was whirling. 'I never wanted Leslie—' He looked over at his partner—she looked so beautiful and desirable… 'I wanted you but I couldn't have you so I dated Leslie—we never even made love—it didn't seem right somehow—I wanted you—I loved you but I didn't know it then—when I said your name—Leslie knew—she knew I loved you before I did—isn't that funny?—she didn't think so…'

He hung his head in shame for using Leslie like that. 'I never meant to hurt her like that—I just—I was being blind—it was easier—I might have seen it too, but I didn't want to see it so I just ignored it—I've ignored a lot lately—'

Then Leslie was standing behind him, whispering into his ear while he stared longingly at his partner. 'You need to tell your Amanda how you feel about her—you need to show her you love her—you need to be with your Amanda—she needs to be with you—she doesn't want anyone else—not really—but if you aren't available—she'll naturally be with men who do want to be with her—to love her—to marry her—you'd better wake up and do something quickly, because she won't wait forever for you to make up your mind—she won't wait forever—she won't wait—she won't…' Leslie faded out but her words echoed in his head.

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Lee awoke in a hot sweat—agitated and confused. Leslie's words echoed in his head. 'She won't wait forever, she won't wait forever…'

'Damnit! These dreams are getting worse—stronger—more intense.' He breathed deeply and clamed his jangling nerves. 'I haven't been this nervous about a woman since I was a kid—since High School. It's Amanda, for heaven's sake. She's my best friend—we know each other so well—I can tell her anything—talk to her about anything…' He hung his head. 'Except how much I love her.'

He looked at the clock—it was 5:47. 'Might as well get up and get dressed.'

He started his day—his mind still in turmoil.


	7. Chapter 7

Dreams and Flashbacks

Chapter 7

By Ermintrude

See part 1 for disclaimers

Thursday and Friday were two more tortuous days at work—he was hyper-aware of his partner. She kept asking him if anything was wrong—and he kept lying and saying he was OK. He couldn't bring himself to say the words that kept pounding in his head. But he couldn't banish them and think normally, either. He was distracted—and they both were lucky nothing difficult or dangerous came up. He knew he had to make a decision and finally do something—or decide that he wouldn't do anything.

Friday evening came and he was determined to have a quiet evening alone. He watched a couple movies he'd rented, and finally went to bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

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He was back at the garden where Amanda had said goodbye to Alan Chamberlain. He looked around—there were no other people around. He was a bit panicked—he knew Amanda should be there—but she wasn't. Did she leave? Had she finally given up on him and left?

Then Amanda was standing in front of him. 'We're best friends—you can tell me anything. You love me—you know it's true. Now you have to do something about it. You have to make the first move—you have to let me know you can love me—you have to love me—hold me—kiss me—make love to me—you have to do it Lee—I want you so much—but I can't wait forever—I won't wait forever…'

Then Alan Chamberlain was there holding Amanda's hands. They were oblivious to his presence. He kissed her, and she melted in his arms. Lee watched with a sick feeling in his gut. 'She's enjoying it—she could love Alan Chamberlain—he would love her in a minute if she'd let him—she'd go off and live with him in Italy...' He'd never see his Amanda again—panic started to rise. He had to do something—

He'd watched Alan Chamberlain kiss his Amanda back last fall—she didn't know he'd watched—but he had—and he'd hated it then—he wanted to pull her from his arms at the time—he didn't then—

Amanda and Alan Chamberlain were kissing in the garden again. Suddenly Lee decided he had to do something this time—he walked up and put his hand on her back—right in the small of her back where it felt so good—he bent over and whispered in her ear. 'Amanda, come with me—be with me—you don't want him—you want me—I want you—I love you—I've loved you for a very long time—you've loved me from the start—though I can't understand why you could have loved me in the beginning—I was so mean and rude to you—but you loved me and never deserted me—you always came back—you always were around—don't throw all that away—I love you.'

Then Alan Chamberlain was walking away from them without a backward glance. He faded away, and Lee took his Amanda in his arms and kissed her deeply. This time it was right.

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Lee awoke Saturday morning with a feeling of decision. He'd finally come to terms with how he felt about his partner. 'I love her. And I think she loves me—I don't deserve her—but she's been waiting for me. I guess I'd better do something about it.'

Lee showered and got dressed, and plotted as he drank his morning coffee. 'The boys are with Joe again this weekend. I think Amanda mentioned she and Dotty were planning on going to a flea market. Maybe I can catch up with her there—and ask her out this evening.'

At the flea market, it was busy. The crowds were out enjoying the fine weather—many people mostly strolling and visiting rather than buying. 'The power-buyers start early, anyhow.' Lee thought. 'By now they have gone and it's now the browsers and recreational collectors.'

Lee wandered seemingly aimlessly, looking at various items for sale, all the while on the lookout for Dotty or his Amanda. He saw a table with Civil War memorabilia, and almost bought an old pistol—rusted and unusable, but cleaned up it would be a fine display piece. As he was haggling with the man, he looked over the guy's shoulder, and saw Amanda. She was dressed casually—but her hair caught the sunlight and it gave her a nimbus that made her stand out from the crowd. He put the pistol down and hurried casually toward her. He was scanning the crowd for Dotty, but she wasn't in sight.

'It's now or never.' He came up behind her, and slid his hand into the small of her back. She started, but leaned into his hand as she looked up at him.

"Lee! What are you doing here?" She looked him up and down taking in his casual attire.

"You have a minute?" She nodded. "C'mon, we can talk over here—it's a bit more private." He drew her over into the shadow of a building, where they would be sheltered from the crowd and a bit out of sight.

"So what's this about? Do we have an assignment? Did something come up suddenly?"

He smiled at her rapid questions—not quite rambling but enough to let him know she was a bit off-balance. "Nothing like that, Amanda." They faced each other and he held her hands in his.

"Oh." She processed that thought, then gave him a puzzled look. "So what is this about?"

He took a deep breath. 'Now or never,' he recited mentally. "Amanda, what are you doing tonight? Are you busy?"

She gave him a close look before she replied. "Mother and I had planned on renting a couple of movies." She shrugged, "nothing really important."

Lee nodded. "Amanda, would you like to go to dinner with me? And then maybe dancing afterwards?"

"Dinner and dancing? With you?" She sounded a bit surprised and incredulous.

"Yeah. With me. No work, no case, no cover. Just Lee and Amanda together," he took a deep breath before he finally said it, "on a date."

She blinked and froze, her mouth partially open in surprise.

He gave her a smile and gently closed her mouth with his finger. "I've wanted to ask you out for so long—but our work—we've been so busy—the job doesn't give us a lot of free time—I wasn't sure if you'd say yes—I mean I'm not exactly the type of guy you've dated in the past—" He ran his hand through his hair—she wasn't saying anything—was this a mistake? Did he miscalculate so badly? Usually he was really good at reading women, but this was his Amanda and she didn't always let him know what she was thinking anymore…

"Lee…" He focused on his partner and saw she was smiling at him indulgently with a twinkle in her eye. "You're rambling…" She allowed the statement to lie between them, as they processed the absurdity of the situation.

They both had a quiet laugh, and then he drew her close, and finally allowed his actions to speak for him.

They kissed, and it was better than any of his dream kisses. Much better than a cover kiss, too. Their first real kiss was sweet and warm, each expressing their longing for the other. Their next kiss started as warmly—then began to heat up. His tongue traced her lips and she opened for him, and their tongues danced delicately—almost chastely—but with a distinct undertone of sexual need on both their parts. Her body melted into his and his hands moved to pull her even closer—one in the small of her back and the other tangling in her soft curls. Their kisses started to heat further, and they finally broke for air.

"My Amanda…"

"Oh Lee…"

Then suddenly, Dotty's voice broke through their romantic haze.

"Amanda! Where are you?" Dotty was coming up the path—looking for her daughter.

"Oh gosh! Mother was putting our stuff in the car—you've gotta go—she can't see you—" Amanda pushed Lee away, back further into the shadows.

"I'll call you later—when you're back home." He stepped back but held her eyes.

"Yeah—back home." Amanda looked a bit breathless with surprise.

He smiled happily and waved her off. She went back to her mother, and they continued their shopping. Lee followed them easily, fading back into the crowd whenever Dotty turned his way, but catching his partner's eye if she noticed him. They shared smiles and secret looks. He returned to the table and bought the Civil War pistol. They all browsed for another couple of hours. When Dotty and Amanda ate lunch at a vendor's booth, he sat nearby and ate his lunch while he eavesdropped on their conversation.

"Amanda, I hope you won't be disappointed, but I met up with Dr. Marks—you remember him—the dermatologist that Jamie saw a couple of years ago when he had that poison ivy?"

"When did you see him, mother?"

"When I went back to the car—he was there and we got to talking. Anyhow he asked me out tonight—and I said yes—so I hope that's OK—we can do our movie night another time…"

Amanda smiled with relief. "That's OK, mother. You go out with Dr. Marks. I'll find something else to do—maybe read a good book while I take a long bubble bath…"

Lee's body responded warmly to that mental picture.

"Amanda—I worry about you. You never see anyone anymore. If you aren't working—and heavens knows you work a lot—and at such unusual hours!—if you aren't working, you're spending time with the boys or cleaning—you never go out on dates. How can you ever hope to remarry if you don't even date? You let Dean get away—well maybe not get away—he left and I guess that was for the best—his mother was so uptight!—"

"Mo-ther! Please!" Amanda cut the animated woman off easily. "Maybe I just haven't found the right person, yet."

"But that's why you date—to get to know people and decide if they are right for you."

Amanda shrugged. "I'm not like you, mother. I don't date a man unless I think it might go somewhere. I guess I need to know the man a bit before I agree to date him…"

"You will never manage to find anyone if you are so very picky."

Amanda smiled to herself. "You never know, mother. Sometimes being picky pays off, in the end. With love, you have to be patient. Sometimes it's well worth the wait…"

Lee turned and saw Amanda was turned his way with a dreamy look on her face. He caught her eye, and winked at her. Then he blew her a kiss. She blushed and ducked her head.

Dotty turned to see what had caught her daughter's eye, and Lee turned and made a fast exit.

As he made his way back to his car, he mused on her words. ''With love you have to be patient.' Amanda said that to me during the Hoover files case—I wondered about it then—and now I know. She was talking about us. She has been waiting for me for a very long time, I think.' His mind flew back to the Alan Chamberlain case, when he had climbed into her bedroom window. 'I almost kissed her then—but in her bedroom—it might not have stopped at just a kiss and I wasn't ready to face up to how I felt about her…'

As he drove back toward Georgetown he happily anticipated their date. 'I'll take her to Emilio's. Then—I don't know but we'll go dancing somewhere nice and intimate. I know we won't end up in bed—that's not my Amanda. But it's a good start. I know we can make this work—I just have to be patient—this time it's my turn to be patient. And I do love her—so I can be as patient with her as she was with me. You were oh so very right Amanda, with love you have to be patient.'

End


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